The Master Healer

Hey everyone! Last Sunday I had the opportunity to talk in sacrament meeting and thought I would share my talk with all of you who weren't there! I think I'm funny so just laugh at the joke in the first paragraph thanks! Hope you all enjoy!

Good morning! My name is Rebecca Whitehead for those of you who don’t know me and last week I was at work when I got a call from an unknown number. I have a rule if I don’t know who it is I wont answer. I mean if it’s important enough they will leave a message right? Well a few seconds later my phone buzzed and I had a voicemail. It took me a second to realize what was happening but it was the bishop and you can guess what he asked me. My first thought was “wait I think next week is the only Sunday this month I actually work during the day!” I ran into my office to check the calendar and to my surprise today is actually the first and only Sunday I don’t work at all. So lucky me! My second thought when he asked me to speak on a talk that was giving in the women’s general conference session was “yeah… I definitely didn’t watch that…” So I’m obviously super stoked to talk to you today.  Just kidding I am honored to speak and this was honestly the perfect topic for me.

I was asked to talk on The Master Healer by Carole M. Stephens given this last October conference. As I was reading this talk I realized how much of it paralleled to my own personal life and how I see this everyday. Stephen’s talk is all about the Doctrine of Christ and the plan of happiness. Another talk this conference, given by Brian K. Ashton, focused on the same idea. He stated “The scriptures define the doctrine of Christ as exercising faith in Jesus Christ and His Atonement, repenting, being baptized, receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost, and enduring to the end.”  

Stephens believes that we as members need to have a bedrock understanding of this doctrine for Christ is our base, “The rock of our redeemer, … a sure foundation… whereon if we build we cannot fall.” Too often in this day and age we look for acceptance and help from anyone but Christ. We try to make ourselves look good on social media and try and solve our problems by either ignoring them or choosing other outlets. We tend to turn to the great and spacious building when we could turn to the one who can provide everlasting help.  And as we come to understand the great plan of happiness we recognize that the Savior is at the very heart of the plan.  We cannot be happy without Christ and with him we are able to meet any challenge that’s brought upon us. Sister Stephens brought up three examples on how the doctrine of Christ brings us closer to our father in heaven especially through adversity.

She first touched on Christ ability to give us permanent relief from the sorrow of our own sins. No matter what your sin is God will always forgive you. CS Lewis once said “Look for Christ and you will find him and with him, everything else.” This includes forgiveness and happiness. I can only hope each and every one of you have a firm and personal knowledge that this is true, for it is the foundation of the church. It is important to remember to use Atonement throughout our lives. We don’t need a great sin to repent. We can do it every day in our hearts for the little mistakes we may make. Using the Atonement brings you closer to Christ for he is the one who is carrying your burdens along side you.  He has already suffered and bled for you so why would you not take something that is already yours. Remember to focus your thoughts on Christ and there you will find happiness.

The second example was that Christ is with us to comfort us when we experience pain from the sins of others. I think this is a topic not touched on as much as it should be. As we go throughout life, go to school, get married, and start families we will not only have our own trials but we will have to watch the ones we love and care about go through hardships and heart ache and we must tearfully watch as some follow unrighteous paths. Sometimes we feel the burden and shame for others actions but don’t know what to do about it. We want to personally fix it, to make things better. Richard G. Scott counseled that we must feel compassion for our straying loved ones but you should not take upon ourselves a feeling of responsibility.  He said “when you have done what is reasonable to help one you love, lay the burden at the feet of the Savior… As you so act, not only will you find peace but demonstrate your faith in the power of the Savior to lift the burden of sin from a loved one through his repentance and obedience.”

Most of you probably don’t know this but I currently work as a Psych Tech at a women’s rehab for alcohol and drug addiction. I watch girls come in every day beaten and broken, almost near death. I hear their stories of pain and trauma and my heart just aches for them. Sometimes it’s hard to hear how they got to where they are and it’s hard to not want to take their burdens upon myself. I love each and every one of those women even if they have lived unrighteous lives. They deserve so much more and I wish I could take away their suffering and addiction; I want nothing more than for them to be healthy and happy. However the first step in the 12-step program is realizing that they have no control over their lives and that it’s time to turn their lives over to God. These girls all know that they need their Savior and I have come to know that God does forgive of all sins. He forgets your past and lets you start anew. I watch these girls come in broken and alone and I watch them leave happy and full of God’s love. I have learned that their burdens our not mine to bare they are Christ’s. He bares their sins and walks right along side them on the road to recovery. Yes it’s hard, and some days I come home and cry for these girls but I know that in the end if they turn to God and trust him and if I turn to him as well and trust him that everything will work out the way it’s suppose to. Elder Scott followed up in his talk by saying “complete healing will come through your faith in Jesus Christ and His power and capacity, through His Atonement, to heal the scars of that which is unjust and undeserved.”

The third and what I feel is one of the most important example given by Sister Stephens is “the Mast Healer can comfort and sustain us as we experience painful realities of mortality such as disaster, mental illness, disease, chronic pain, and death.” I struggle on a day-to-day basis with my own mental illness. It’s not easy, it never has been, some days I don’t leave the house, others even my bed. Sometimes I feel I am unworthy of Christ’s sacrifice and that I don’t deserve his atonement. It’s been a hard long road but have learned that it is not just my burden to bare, that Christ is already baring it with me whether I feel like I deserve it or not. Over the past few years I have learned to turn it over to the Lord and in time I have come to grow and accept my illness, and I have learned to even love it. At work at night we have a group called therapeutic community. In it each of the girls shares their high and low for the day and what they are grateful for. The other day it came to my turn to share. Although my high and low were irrelevant I got to express to the girls how grateful I am for my mental illness and for all of my trials and hardships. I got to tell them that without these tribulations I wouldn’t be able to understand these girls and I wouldn’t be able to help. I told them I was grateful for my higher power. I expressed Christ’s love for me and for each one of them. And I assured them if Christ was with me through my journeys and I was with them through this hard part of their lives, that God and Christ were right there with them to. All they had to do was open their hearts and ask for forgiveness. These girls have honestly been to hell and back but I get the opportunity, the privilege, to watch the Savior open his arms and welcome them back.  I get to watch the atonement mend hearts and save lives.

And that is the doctrine of Christ. I know for a fact that the Savior has already taken the burden from the backs of those girls. He has already atoned for each and every sin committed by mankind. He has already atoned for your sins and my sins. The Savior pleads: Will ye not now return unto me, and repent of your sins, and be converted, that I may heal you? If ye will come unto me ye shall have eternal life. Behold, mine arm of mercy is extended towards you, and whosoever will come… I will receive.

I am so beyond grateful for my father in heaven and his beloved son and the chances they give me to better myself. Christ is the center of happiness and I can confirm that. Without Christ I am lost. He is there for me always and I’m always with him. He really is the Master Healer and his arm is open to each of you. So live the Doctrine of Christ, seek the plan of happiness, repent of your sins, and come unto Christ.

In the name of Jesus Christ Amen.

Me. My Depression. And God.

Okay precursor to the precursor: my writing style is very weird so you'll have to get use to that. But I just want to say that this is all very personal and it's probably oversharing but I feel like I need to talk about my problems. I'm usually not very open about these issues so please be gentle. I'm not doing this for attention, I'm just putting my life story out there. You can choose to read it or don't I couldn't care less. But yeah.... Enjoy!

Well it’s been awhile since my first post and I bet most of you didn’t think I’d ever post again. It’s okay, me too. But here I am! In this post today I want to share a few things. I’m going to talk about what my blog is going to be like, about who I am and the way I’ll write and run this blog, and a story about how I got to where I am today. So buckle up it will probably be a small novel…

Okay I’m not too sure where to start. I guess I’ll start with me. Hi. I’m Rebecca Whitehead. Most of you reading this probably already know me but for those who don’t hello. I’m 20 years old, born and raised in Salt Lake, the ninth of ten children, part-time assistant manager at a shoes store, part-time student (when I feel like it), and most importantly, Mormon.

            This leads right in to the next topic. What is this blog going to be about? I just thought I’d let you know what you are getting into. I was baptized at 8 years old into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. My family is LDS, most my neighborhood and a majority of my friends are too. I grew up Mormon. But as most LDS people will tell you, you hit a point in your life where you truly have to decide if you believe or not. Well I hit that point… I was stuck at that point for 6 years. Well as I’ll explain in a minute, in about May of 2014 I had what I call a “Come to Jesus”. So I’ve decided to use this, my newfound faith, and my experiences to help those in need. I’m not a prophet or Superwoman but I figure if maybe, just maybe, I can help someone through their deciding point, I will have done good in the world. I want people to know that they are not alone in their thoughts and feelings. There are a lot of us struggling and that’s perfectly normal. So I’m going to post about my spiritual experiences, along with how I use God to help with my anxiety and depression.

            Tried to just casually introduce my mental illnesses but it’s not a casual part of my life. It actually runs my life. Okay so story time. When I was thirteen my mom noticed that I didn’t’ have very many friends, I wasn’t enjoying school (which is weird for me), I didn’t have much motivation, etc, etc. All the classic signs of depression. So as a small eighth grader I went to see a psychologist. It’s a scary thing for a teenage girl to deal with. It was hard to accept that I was different from other kids my age, and not in a positive way. It’s hard to learn that all your problems in life are “just in your head” in a manor of speaking. Like how was I suppose to understand that. I mean I thought I did but I didn’t. So for the next 6 years I struggled with myself, my sicknesses, with my self-esteem, relationships, school, and basically everything in life. I moved from doctor to doctor and have been on more medication than is probably healthy for a girl my age. I feel like a pill popper sometimes! Anyways catching the problem this early was suppose to be a good thing. It was suppose to be up from here. Nope. This started my downward spiral into my own pity party and self-destruction.

            I felt so alone in the world. No one understood me. How was I supposed to be a normal teen when I was eating my own insides? I acted like I had it handled, told doctors and therapists what I thought they wanted to hear. I was sick of feeling this way. But I didn’t want to face it or talk about it. So instead of trying to figure things out logically and rationally I instead blamed God. How could God make me hate myself? I prayed night after night that it would go away and that I could be like any other “normal” teenager. For two years I begged God. And for two years God didn’t answer my prayers. I felt like I was talking to myself, I felt defeated and pathetic. I spent nights crying to myself. If God wasn’t there for me no one would be. So I gave up on God.

            The next four years were the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. I went through high school constantly battling myself. Well I’ll skip the sob stories and self-pity party. The point is that I struggled but I “knew” I could handle it on my own. I had this. Doctors told me how well adjusted I was, adults told me how well I handled it, I had this. I was going to be the girl that beat mental illness on her own. I thought I knew it all. I became arrogant about how well I SAID I was doing. As crappy as I felt I had one strong point, I could hold myself together and I had it under control. Oh boy was I beyond wrong. I ignored my problems and pretended even to myself that life was great. One thing about having anxiety and self-image problems is that it is insanely difficult to even acknowledge you have a problem so I convince myself I didn’t.

            This is where the real fun began. College. Semi-real life. Before when I was in high school I didn’t have anything really important to worry about but now, now I had to decide what to do with the rest of my life. I had to start college and pay for my education, and get a real job, and BE AN ADULT! Like scary! Well I started off fine and dandy. I knew I wanted to be a fashion design major, I was going to take as many classes a semester as possible, I could finish my degree in two years, and fall of 2015 I was going to move to London to one of the most prestigious fashion schools in the world. I had my mind and my life set on it. Everything was set in order. What I didn’t plan for was actual real life to happen.

            Crucial moment #1: at the end of March in 2014, on just your ordinary day came a knock at the door. The missionaries… great… but me and my sister ended up talking to them for a good hour or so. Nothing spiritual my sister was actually scaring the one missionary about going home. This was the start of the weirdest friendships I’ve ever had.

            Crucial moment #2: Through a completely unrelated story to me, my mom decided to check out yet another new doctor and another therapist. I joked the whole way there about going to the mental hospital… it is legit a mental health clinic so basically the same. I met with a counselor who asked me all the usually questions which I gave my rehearsed answers to. We scheduled an appointment for two weeks later since she didn’t think I needed weekly therapy. It’s almost comical how much I thought I was doing well. That night I went for ice cream with my sisters. I honestly can’t remember how the conversation started or how we got to this point but I openly admitted that I was upset that I didn’t have my life together. I kept saying over and over again how I should have this under control by now. That I should be fine. I realized I was failing at the one thing I thought I was good at. This was emotional breakdown number one.

            Crucial moment #3: April, end of second semester. I had been told at the beginning of the semester by many teachers and students that I shouldn’t be taking six classes so I wanted to prove them wrong. I had done it the semester before I could do it again! I would show them! Haha yeah right they showed me. After crucial moment #2 happened I completely gave up on everything. I didn’t know what I was doing, I didn’t know who I was, all I knew is that there was something terribly wrong with me. I stopped going to class, I stopped doing homework, I stopped caring. Well in the midst of my mental breakdown I had discovered one important fact. I felt like I was a failure. I never felt like I ever did anything good enough. I felt like I had been terrible at high school (I graduated with a 3.8 and I took 5 AP classes… see what my brain does to me) I constantly stressed over everything and I was always thinking about the negative things and never anything positive about what I did. I WAS A FAILURE AT EVERYTHING IN LIFE. Looking back now I know that I wasn’t. I did well, I was good at what I was doing, I was a hard worker, idk but I definitely wasn't a complete failure. Then came the semester grades. I had slacked so much that I actually failed two classes… I had never ever actually failed anything. I felt worthless and miserable. How was I supposed to do anything in life? I JUST FAILED TO FASHION CLASSES. I’m was an idiot, I was suppose to be smart, I should have passed those classes, any negative thought I thought it. Commence mental breakdown two.

            Sorry you guys are probably sick of reading this so bless your heart if you’ve made it this far through my ramblings.

            Crucial moments #4,5,6,7,…….. I got two jobs and worked all of the summer to keep my mind off of my failure, I decided to take a summer class which I also ended up failing surprise, I worked at hot topic against my mothers will, the missionaries constantly stopped by and we became friends, my two best friends left on missions and another was preparing, I stopped going to church, what am I missing…. Oh I got my septum pierced (I already had my nose pierced and my ears had 5 piercings) I looked like a rebel, secretly I wasn’t at all whatsoever I just wanted to piss people off by the way I looked. Basically I was at the peak of my “scary phase” as my mom calls it.

            Well my parents were doing anything possible to get me to go to church. My dad suggested I go to the genealogy class with him since I’m big into history and I love old people. Well I told him I would go and then I didn’t. I never found out if it was true or not but through the grapevine I heard that my dad had cried because he was so excited for me to go. My dad doesn’t cry unless it really matters. I felt terrible and promised I would go the next week. I did and as I was searching for names I found several that needed their work done. I was stoked that I had found some! Then it hit me that I couldn’t actually help these people because I wasn’t worthy to have a temple recommend. It sucked. Well I shook it off but continued to come to church so I could go to class and find names. This was my first spiritual kick in the butt.

            Next was a very embarrassing moment with the missionaries that I will not go into at this time. However it had to do with my piercings and a missionary I may or may not have thought was cute. I kind of had a half meltdown cause I thought I had ruined all chances with him. As I was sitting on my bed one night talking to me sister she asked me if I would actually marry this missionary when he returned. I had to seriously think about it. Yeah I felt like I could but he wouldn’t want me. Plus I didn’t care to be married in the temple or marry someone LDS. I had to think about what I wanted in life. I decided it really was time to start being better. To getting a temple recommend. No I did not change myself for a boy. I changed for myself. I changed so I could have a better life.

            Next I decided to start reading the scriptures. Not for the spiritual aspect but for the history and the story. I started to really enjoy it and looking at it at those points of views made it such an amazing book. I had never doubted whether it was true or not I had just never realized just how REAL all these stories and all these people were.  I started to pray again. Something I hadn’t done in a very very long time. I started to feel happy. One night I had an overwhelming feeling that it was time to quit Hot Topic. It was a good job and the people were awesome but I felt like I needed to grow up a little and I had the opportunity to work full time at the shoe store. So the next day I walked into the mall and put in my two weeks. It was a huge shocker for everyone. Then one night the big one hit. As I was lying in bed I felt a strong peaceful feeling fill my body. It was 3 am and like most nights I was up stressing about my day and my past and future, all anxiety. I can’t tell you why or how but I had a thought in my head, it was my own thought too which surprised me, but I was just a little voice that said, “it’s time to take your piercings out.” I laid in bed for another hour debating my options and trying to convince myself to wait a few months, I mean I had just paid a lot for my septum and there is nothing really wrong with having piercings, but it just kept gnawing at my mind. So stubborn me got up at 4 am and ripped my piercings out of my nose and ears. It hurt. But it was done.

            I honestly can’t really explain in words what came over me and what happened to me. But it seemed like just over night I had become a different person. I realized that though I had given up on God for all these years he had never given up on me. He knew that I needed those hard years. I needed those dark times. I needed to know what it felt like to not feel God’s love and constant presence. I have never been so happy in my life. I didn’t even know you could be this happy. I was overwhelmed. How could God still love me when I had stopped loving him? It’s hard for me to express how I feel but I have never felt better in my entire life and I know it is because of my Heavenly Father. I honestly never thought I would be here. My life had done a 180 that I had never seen coming. Oh how glad I am that it did!!

            Sorry that was long and a lot of babbling but I just wanted to show you how life can suck, you can hate yourself, you can tell yourself you are all alone, you can choose to be unhappy. You can do all this and sometimes that’s what you need. But you can also love God, love life, love yourself, and I can testify that it all comes through God. You may be scared, I sure was, but if you turn to the Lord and give him everything you’ve got, you put your life in his hands, you trust him, and he will not let you down. Ever. I can’t stress this enough. I wish I were a better, more eloquent writer so I could somehow show you the truth. But please please believe me. The only way to true happiness is through the Gospel. I was stubborn and didn’t want to believe it but it is 100% true. I hope you can figure it out for yourself and that you can be happy. I would never wish my problems on someone else and I would never want others to beat themselves up like I did. You can do it. Just take a leap of faith. God’s hand is outstretched just waiting for you.

            I hope this was helpful. I can’t say I’m completely cured, I definitely still struggle with a lot of things and every day is a battle of getting out of bed and fighting my anxiety but at least I know God is with me. It is just for a small moment that we will feel pain and sadness but in the end we will forever be happy. Why would you turn away from that? Okay sorry this is all repetitive but like I can’t stress it enough. I want to shout it from the rooftops, I want to shake people until they understand, I want to eliminate bad feelings I’m so passionate about it.

            Well this is now 5 pages and a word doc so I'll wrap it up and not bore you any longer. So I hope you enjoyed this. Thanks for all those who have believed in me! Keep doing what your doing! Love yourself! Pray! You all the good stuff! THANKS!! BYE!

P.s. when I write I tend to get really excited and really passionate and it all comes out like vomit. Word vomit. That’s what all my post will probably be like so I apologize in advance! Plus I don’t go back and reread my posts because then I’ll hate it and delete it all so sorry for any mistakes! Okay bye!

As You Go

This is my first post and I'm really nervous about it. My anxiety wants me to say sorry for all the things I think are wrong about this post, like it could have more detail, or be written better, or sound better, yadda yadda, so yes I am sorry it's not perfect but neither am I and I'm learning to be okay with that. So sorry not sorry. Anyway I'm starting this blog because I want to help people, I want people to know they are not alone. I might post some things that people don't agree with or maybe no one will read this at all, but I hope I touch someones heart and help them down their own path. Anyways after that crappy introduction here goes nothing.

Let's just say that today was a rough day for me. Actually it just kind of sucked. On the outside I acted happy and excited, I ranted a little to friends but nothing big. You know we all put on a face in public. But once alone it all sunk in. And when I put myself in a bad mood like that I mentally bring up everything wrong in my life and from there I usually breakdown. 

With my depression and anxiety this is definitely not the first time this has happened. One of my ways of calming down and clearing my head is to go on a drive. Night drives are my all time favorite thing. I turn some good music on, turn up the heat, roll the windows down and drive a quick loop that I love. 

Tonight while I was driving I just kept thinking about my mistakes and all the things that were getting me down. I could feel the ball of anger and anxiety and sadness well up in my throat. I felt my eyes begin to burn as tears filled them. I started to cry. Right then, I don't understand how or why, I suddenly focused on the song. It was a song I had never heard before. It was by one of my favorite bands RED and is called As You Go. It is by far not a spiritual song but right then I heard the lyrics loud and clear,

"The world I know can hate you

The world I know can break you

But as you go remember, I'm by your side
The love within you can heal these tears that burn
And through it all remember, I'm by your side
As you go"

I know that it was the exact moment I needed to hear. I caught my breath and felt the calm roll over me as I realized God was there. He wanted me to listen to that song, He was trying to tell me it would all be alright. I started to cry again but this time with joy. It all sounds cheesy but it hit me hard. God knew that was what I needed. 

God will never leave us. He is always there by your side helping you through the tough times. Life may seem to be crashing down on you but He is there holding it up. God knows our pain and knows our sorrows even if it's just a stupid little thing that messed up your day. I mean God told us straight in the scriptures that He would never give us something He knew we couldn't handle, He even promised us he'd help us through it. So I could go on a longer rant and keep repeating myself and talk forever and ever but the point is God will never abandon you, He will always be there watching over you, helping you through each and everyday. He loves you and always will. 
Thanks for reading!